Christening Page 8

  The girls laughed elatedly, and they all started to count to three in shaky unison.

  Erin prepared herself for what was about to happen.

  On three, the girls let out loud squeals and charged the bed, leaping on it—and on Erin—as enthusiastically as they could.

  Erin played along. Sat up abruptly in bed with a loud cry of surprise, her dramatic response making her daughters scream in delight.

  Seth had come over too and was now sitting on the edge of the bed, smiling in a way that made Erin’s heart melt. He wore dark trousers and a white T-shirt, but he must not have showered and dressed yet because his feet were bare, making him look unusually casual and domestic.

  “We waked Mommy up! We waked Mommy up!” Anna chanted, bouncing on the bed in pure joy.

  Pulling her younger daughter into a quick hug, Erin murmured, “You certainly did. You might have given me a heart attack.”

  Mackenzie’s long red hair was loose and was falling in thick waves down her back. She was giggling just as much as Anna was, and now she snuggled up against Erin. “We’ve been up for ages, but Daddy wouldn’t let us wake you up until now.”

  Putting her arm around Mackenzie, Erin slanted a knowing look over at Seth’s face. “Your daddy is a very wise man.”

  “Daddy said he’d make us pancakes!” Anna declared, standing on the bed and wrapping her arms around Seth’s neck from behind.

  “Really?” Erin gasped. “Pancakes? That’s excellent news. I’m hungry.”

  “We’re starving,” Anna pronounced, in a resolute tone, as she kept squeezing Seth in a fond backward hug. “Time for pancakes!”

  Erin started to get out of bed and happened to notice Seth watching her. She suddenly felt self-conscious, for some reason, and wished she was wearing something more attractive than her old cotton pajama pants and faded tank top. She also wished she hadn’t eaten so much chocolate over the last month and that she’d tried to work out more.

  “Maybe I should get dressed first,” she murmured, glancing down at herself and making a face.

  This statement was greeted by such adamant objection from her daughters that Erin dropped the subject immediately.

  They all went into the kitchen in their pajamas, and Seth started to search for the necessary pancake-making ingredients.

  Chuckling over how the girls were bombarding their daddy with questions—about everything from why he wasn’t wearing the purple pajamas they’d gotten him last Christmas to why Grandpa’s kitchen had a ceiling fan and theirs didn’t—Erin forgot all about her appearance and started to enjoy herself.

  Later that afternoon, she resolved, she would have a talk with Seth. Start to really hash things out and deal with some of their problems, without letting sex, mushy feelings, or the complicated, exhausting nature of the situation distract her from what she knew they needed to address.

  But first she was going to listen to her daughters giggle ecstatically at their father’s bland comments and smug expressions.

  And she was going to eat some of his pancakes.

  Four

  Erin was just on the verge of dozing off, lying in the shade and listening to Anna and Mackenzie transform leaves, sticks, acorns, rocks, and a stump into an elaborate dining room, when Seth got up and walked over to her.

  Standing over her reclined form, he stretched out a hand. “Walk with me?”

  Erin blinked, realizing that he was ready to have their serious discussion. After just a moment of reluctance, she decided she was ready too. The girls were happily occupied for the time being, and her father and Stella were in lawn chairs just a few feet away.

  The picnic had been a success, and they’d already been at the lake for almost three hours.

  Now was as good a time as any for Erin and Seth to talk.

  She took his hand and let him help her up to her feet. Then she kept her hand in his as she turned back to look at the girls. “Daddy and I are going to take a walk for a little while. Stay with Grandpa and Aunt Stella, and be good.”

  The girls agreed distractedly, looking rather annoyed at being disturbed as they were trying to arrange place settings on the uneven tree stump.

  Erin walked with Seth for about five minutes, until they’d found an isolated, comfortable spot to sit on a large, dry rock next to the lake. Once they’d settled themselves, they sat in silence for a minute—slanting looks at each other out of the corners of their eyes.

  She’d been thinking about what she wanted to discuss with him for a week now, but she still wasn’t quite sure what to say.

  “So,” Seth said at last, looking unusually casual in his gray T-shirt and jeans.

  “So,” she repeated, shifting awkwardly as she searched for a good way to begin.

  Evidently, he realized what a hard time she was having coming up with the words, so he began the discussion himself. “I know I was out of town for too long, and I shouldn’t have kept saying I would come home but then delay even longer. And I know I’ve been working too much for the last few months. I don’t know why they always insist on sending me—”

  “You do know why they send you. You make things happen better than anyone else. I love that about you, but we’re going to have to figure something out deal with times like this, since I’m sure this busy phase isn’t going to be a one-time event.”

  “I know. And…” He trailed off, which surprised her, since he was so rarely at a loss for words.

  “And what?”

  “I wanted you to see this.” He pulled his smart phone out of his pocket and then pulled something up on the screen.

  Erin frowned as she read what was evidently a letter.

  She gasped and jerked her head up to stare at him.

  He shifted uncomfortably and glanced away, toward the lake. “I know it’s not a fix for everything.”

  “A fix…” She was so shocked she could barely form words. “You’re resigning? I’d never ask you to do that. Seth, what are you—”

  “You know everyone has expected me to start up my own practice for years. This is as good a time as any to do it. It will be just as much work—it’s not like I’ll suddenly have a lot more free time—but I won’t have to travel. And I’ll be able to make my own decisions about what to do and not do. That will be a lot better. For us.”

  Erin was almost in tears. “But do you want to? I mean, you’ve always loved your job. You’ve always been so proud of it—and rightly so. I wouldn’t want you to—”

  “I’ll love this too. I’m excited about the challenge. I haven’t given them this letter yet. I wouldn’t do something like that without talking to you first. But I will—if you agree it’s a good idea.”

  “Are you sure?” she breathed, wiping away a few tears that came anyway.

  “Oh, baby, of course, I am.” He pulled her into his arms, and she shook against him for a minute. “I love you and the girls so much more than any job.”

  When she pulled away, he met her eyes. “This will help, I hope, but I don’t think my traveling was the main problem. This whole thing has been about something more than just my spending more time with you, hasn’t it?”

  “Yeah,” she admitted, her stomach flipping in nervousness as she moved into what she’d subconsciously known they’d needed to talk about for months. “I want you to spend more time with us, and I think you need to—for us and for you. And you not having to travel will be a huge thing. But it’s not just about spending time.”

  Seth’s face was composed, but his eyes were now wary and guarded. “So tell me what it is about.”

  Erin swallowed hard. She was feeling soft from the revelation of Seth’s gesture of love in resigning from his law firm, so it was even more difficult for her to move onto the words that would hurt them both. “I know, when I first got pregnant with Mackenzie, and then after she was born, you were really worried about being a father, since you’d never had a family of your own.” She paused. Glanced over at Seth. Saw he was listening, his brows coming tog
ether in four little lines, as if he weren’t quite following her direction.

  Clearing her throat, she continued, “I know how much you love those little girls, and they absolutely adore you. And you’re incredibly good with them…” She wanted to stop there. Wished she didn’t have to go on. But she’d resolved she wasn’t going to skirt the issue for once. So she concluded softly, “…when you’re around.”

  Seth stiffened beside her again. She could feel the tension tightening in his body. “I can’t be around them all the time. I can’t be around them as much as you are. I have to work.”

  Erin felt a sharp pang slice through her chest. She knew Seth hadn’t intended to make it sound like she had it easy, like her lack of a job made things easier for her, when giving up the career she’d never really had was one of the hardest things she’d ever done. She knew Seth hadn’t been trying to be petty or condescending, so she pushed her initial reaction back down.

  “I know,” she replied, her voice breaking on the second word. “I’m obviously not expecting you to be around them as much as I am. But I need to feel—not just know—that we are just as important to you as your work is.”

  Seth’s hand closed suddenly around her knee. “Erin, you and the girls are more important to me than my work. What do you think this was about?” He gestured to his phone.

  “I know. And it means so much that you’d do that. But one gesture, however amazing it is, can’t do everything. I know how much you love the girls. But how are they going to know how much you love them if you don’t show them by the choices you make every day? Not just the one time.”

  Seth swallowed. He was starting to look a little defensive. “I tell them I love them. I tell them all the time. I hug them and am…affectionate the way I never had myself. I’ve always gone out of my way to keep them from feeling as unloved as I was as a child.”

  His words were so stiff and hoarse that Erin wanted to cradle him. She knew how hard this was for him, knew how hard it was to put into words things that went so deep. Loved him for trying to do so now.

  “I know,” she murmured, tightening her arm around him. “I know. And it’s so, so good that you do that. But if you keep choosing work over them, then eventually they’re going to think that your work is more important to you than we are.”

  Seth’s face twisted briefly, before he composed it.

  Erin was close to tears again now, and the words started to spill out in an urgent rush, everything she'd been thinking about this week pouring out before she could stop it. “I’m so scared for them, Seth. I can’t help but be so scared. They’re happy right now, and—although things aren’t always perfect—their lives are mostly stable and simple. But that’s not going to last. Pretty soon things are going to get a lot harder for them. It won’t be long before they’re teenagers.”

  Erin couldn’t quite meet Seth’s eyes—afraid the expression there would shatter the control she had remaining. “They’re going to get a lot of attention, Seth, because they’re your daughters. They’re going to be rich, and popular, and desired. And they’re going to be beautiful.”

  Quickly wiping away more tears, she continued, “And I’ll be damned if I let them become bitter, spoiled party-girls, who fill their empty days with cheap pleasure and shallow notoriety.”

  “Erin,” Seth began, taking her shaking hands in both of his. “That’s not going to—”

  Thinking he was trying to minimize her fears, Erin shook off his hands. “How do you know? It could happen! It could happen so easily. Because of who they are, it’s going to be so much harder for them than for other girls. If we don’t give them a stable, loving home life, if we don’t teach them that they’re significant for real reasons rather than for superficial ones, if we don’t show them what can really give their lives value and meaning, then they’re going to take all the opportunities they’re offered and look for those things in money, or fame, or drugs, or sex, or, or—”

  “Erin,” Seth interrupted, grabbing her hands again. “Erin, isn’t that what we’re doing? Isn’t that what we’ve always tried to teach them?”

  “Yes,” she choked, her shoulders shaking as she still tried to fight back stupid tears. “Yes, that’s what we’ve intended. But so often it’s just me who’s there to try to teach them anything. And I don’t know if I can do it. I’m so afraid that, if they start to think that they’re less important to you than work, then their attitude toward men in general is going to get all messed up. And what if they start to think they’re not good enough for men to really value? And what if they start to think that men will only love them if they look a certain way, or act a certain way, or do certain things…”

  Erin started to sob, visualizing her sweet little girls as privileged, gorgeous young women, imagining the ways they might let themselves be used by heartless men.

  Seth wrapped his arms around her and gathered her to him, holding her tightly as she sobbed. “Erin. Erin, that’s not going to happen.”

  “How do you know?” she gasped, burying her wet face in his shirt. “It could. If you’re not around much, then it’s only me. And what if I mess up? I can’t do it alone.”

  “You’re not alone.” His voice sounded rather broken too. He curved one hand around the back of her head and tilted it up so she was looking at him again. “I’m in this too. I’ll be around. I promise. You’re not going to have to raise them alone.”

  “Really?” she asked desperately, something knitting together in her chest at his words and the absolute assurance in his eyes. “Because it’s easy to say that now, when you’re scared that I left and everything. But a few months from now, you might get caught up in work again. I mean, it’s going to be a lot of work and stress to start up your own practice, and it will be easy for you to get caught up in everything. Then I’ll have to—”

  He shook his head. “There will be times when work is going to keep me busy, but I’m committed to not being an absent father. Do you think I’m any less worried about our daughters’ future than you are?”

  “Of course, not,” she mumbled, still clinging to him. “I didn’t mean that. I just know how easy it is to get distracted. They love you so much, Seth. I don’t want anything to get in the way of that.” Sighing deeply, Erin started to relax a little. “I was really insecure growing up because of…well, you know. I did some things because of that insecurity that I wish I hadn’t done, and I can’t help but think of how many more temptations our girls are going to have.”

  She took a deep breath. “I don’t want Mackenzie and Anna to be insecure the way you and I were. I want them to always, always know that they’re loved, no matter what—that they’re loved every moment of their lives.”

  Seth’s face twisted briefly with emotion, but then he nodded and gathered her even closer to his chest. “They are loved, Erin. And we’ll make sure they know it. I’d never thought…I never wanted…I didn’t mean for you or the girls to ever doubt it.”

  Sighing deeply, she just nestled against him for a minute. “I know. I’m an adult, so I can know you love me even when you’re being rather stingy with your time.” She flicked him a quick smile, so he’d know she was teasing. “But the girls…I just don’t know if it’s that clear to them.”

  Seth brushed a kiss into her hair. “I’ll be around more, to make sure they know.”

  A lot of the deeply rooted fear in Erin’s chest was slowly easing into hope, but, after a minute of silence, she swallowed hard. “So how do you think we should make sure…”

  Her question trailed off, not wanting to sound like she doubted Seth’s commitment to spending more time at home, but also knowing how easy it was to intend to do something but let it slack, if there wasn’t a practical plan in place to work through it.

  Seth seemed to understand, even without her fully articulating her concern. “What if we made a schedule?”

  Erin straightened up, pulling away from him in the process. “What do you mean?”

  Giving a littl
e shrug, Seth stared off into the sparkling lake again. “I mean, we could agree that I would have a certain number of breakfasts with you and the girls a week—maybe three—and a certain number of dinners a week—maybe four. Something like that.” On his last words, he slanted a look at her that was almost sheepish.

  Erin blinked. “Really? That would be okay? I know there are legitimate work issues now, and I’m sure there will be later on. I don’t want to be too demanding or rigid in my expectations.”

  “Three breakfasts and four dinners a week with my family is hardly too demanding. And rather than being too rigid, I think a schedule would actually help to make sure I don’t unintentionally start to neglect you again. And maybe we could say I’ll spend at least one entire day—either Saturday or Sunday—with you. And more, whenever possible.” When he saw she was listening with interest, he continued, “If I’m not able to keep the schedule one week, then I’ll have to make it up the following week. And if there’s a crisis of some kind that takes up too much of my time at a certain point, then I’ll have to take some time off afterwards to…”

  He was clearly on a roll, but his voice trailed off when he saw that Erin had narrowed her eyes suspiciously.

  “You’d already figured all of this out,” she accused him on a taken breath, something thrilling in her heart despite her heated tone. “You didn’t just think of all these details on the spur of the moment. You had it all worked out beforehand.”

  Seth shifted slightly, looking torn between amusement and embarrassment. “Of course. Do you have any idea how much I’ve been thinking about this for the last week? Naturally, we can work the details, but I thought a schedule might be a good idea.” He gave her an adorable half-smile. “I told you I’m good at strategy.”

  Erin collapsed into happy, relieved giggles, and she leaned against him affectionately. “Thank you, Seth. A schedule is an excellent idea.”